Just another day in paradise...

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vieras

Just another day in paradise...

Viesti Kirjoittaja vieras »

Like on tv:
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Life.. there is this saying that all happy families are alike, but all unhappy ones are unique in their own way.

I guess I should feel drained, and battered emotionally.. But I don't. I'm actually rather hopeful that I made a difference - if only for a moment.

Oh well, now that I started, I guess I should give a bit more insight. My mother is a person, who when she feels miserable, she drinks, and then she takes it out on everybody in sight. That has always been her way, I can see it happen, before it happens she feels frayed and sharpedged like broken glass, when I hear/see her. She carries all the bitterness inside her, all the things that ever has happened to her.. and it overwhealms her.. and she lets the control go, and attacks in pain.

That happened tonight.. I wasn't suprised, she was so stingy today. I mean I was in the aquarium societies auction this afternoon.. Buying her fish, for her tank .. My sister gave up one of hers, and mother took it to their new house, and she needed the fish and some other stuff.
It is a sure sign of trouble, when she starts to count money like it is the most valuable thing in the world.. Like everybody wants to take advantage of her.. every euro, even cent counts.

She was angry at me... father had been a bit .. how would I say.. collecting loose points. He told her that I had lost the car key (I lost the other Skoda key the day I left Norway - probably it dropped from my keychain - can you ask for it? or if it is in the office otherwise) and now it was the biggest thing in the world. I should pay for it.. Like I wouldn't??
I don't tell her such stuff, before I have fixed them.. what is the point of getting the shouts, when it is just money.. I had already checked how much the new key was.. before I spoke to my father about it, so it was fixable and as such wasn't a big deal.. other than to her.
Anyway.. long fight short.. I hope I got her to see that being bitter and bringing old stuff up just doesn't help anything. I can come up with the similar stuff if I want to.. but I prefer to be forgive and go on in life.. with everybody.. Not just with her.. why bother to carry the baggage around.. when I can be happier without it.
She thinks she is too old to change, when she was crying for forgiveness against my shoulder. I said to her, that change in life is carried out one small decision (how to behave) at time. And being adult is about responsibility, emotional responsibility for ones actions... more than monetary responsibility as she sees it.

You know.. It wasn't even bad, it was like a catharsis.. I mean that is what my childhood was like..
Those fights, they happened 2-3 times a week, (and endless complaining from her).. and it got physical quite often.. she is really the worst bitch that I know of.. and I'm equal if I want to.
I can see the sore spots in people unconciously, what makes them tick, and stab there if I want to.. but what is the point? Winning is a Pyrric victory.. it is like a WW 3 if it happens.. what is left there to go on?
And the skill to hurt is really just a other side of empathy.. but used irresponsibly.
If you can see the weak spots, it is your responsibility not to use them destructively.. but to understand the other, and try to find a better solution.. build a bridge and not to go with the negative flow.

I'm not an angel, quite opposite.. I slapped her today, when she was shouting that "maybe we should handcuff her to the battery, like before.. that she had been looking them for us, so that we can do it again.."
I really can't ever remember handcuffing her (she blamed me that I had done it once to her with father).. when I was younger she used to come to my room drunk to threathen that she would hang herself.. at that time I wish I had had those handcuffs, (when I can remember just thinking that I have to go to see if she has done it in 5 minutes if she doesn't come back, and try to revive her with CPR).. *wry smile*.. but I guess it is possible, because she was and is so (self)destructive at times..
I have forgotten so much.. and I really don't even want to remember those times.

Kirsi (who was my ex-best friend) used to call me an old soul, and at times it feels that way.. that I'm so old.. too old for anybody and everybody. Like I've been through a hell, and death for so many times, that I just live one day at the time.. and I just wait until this sentence of life is over... trying to make the best of it and difference where I can.

My life's ethics aside..
When the fight was over, and we all had apologised one and other.. Mother didn't even remember that I had slapped her on the face..
I actually spoke about you to her.. I have a pic of you =)... from the jule bord.. My mother's opinion is that you are so young.. too young.. I just said that I will probably burn my wings, knowing how strongly I react, and my history of one-sided feelings .. but such is life. =)
We are close, much closer than families usually are..

Strange how Janus-like our life is.. when things are bad, they truly are bad, and just half an hour later.. it is like nothing has happened.. but it could flare up again, with the wrong word - not that it usually does these days.

Now I see those two as people who have made their own hell and they just can't see their own way out, not without some help... and I'm the only one they really listen. Well, they do listen my sister too, but she just doesn't have the patience. =/
And I've always been there, to solve their fights from the time when I was 6.
(Even 7 years ago.. when mother called me that father is threatning with a gun.. she called me, not my sister. It was the time when Mika refused to come to wait in the car.. we live and learn.. Never again I let a thing like that go by in my relationship. )

Family life... It used to feel so false, like the reality is the hellish war beneath that surfaced a few times in a week... and the family life is a big fake front. I used to be afraid to go to sleep, that I would wake up, and they were on each others throats, and I would be too late to do anything about it. Probably the reason why I still sleep so lightly, and I'm awake with the slightest sound. =/
Anyway I've felt for years and years like I'm my parent's parent.. and my mother is forever an teenager. It hurts me to see that, I can see so much of myself in her.. But on the other hand her example has taught me what I don't want to be..
Oh well, they say that it is the final thing in growing up-process.. see ones own parents as flawed. *wry smile*..
I forgive them, I have given up that bitterness and my life is better for it.

You know.. all in all.. I feel happy.. One thing solved positively, all in the days work.. =)
Don't think bad of them.. Niilo and I were friends for a long time, and when I had spoken too openly about my past.. he said to me that he didn't want to meet my parents, he didn't like the people they were.. But my parents are nice people, they just have their problems, but that is human.
One of the reasons why it was so hard for me to talk to you at all, why I don't want to talk about the pain I feel, I also heard from Niilo that when I had spoken about inner pain and anxiety.. he felt bad about it, and it was hard on him. *sighs*

Like I said, I do think I will be single for ever.. I've experienced too much, and as I believe in openness when it affects the situation, it is too hard on the potential man. I should keep more things inside to fit the mould of a woman, but I like the way I am.. I don't want to fake, nor do I want a person who accepts just a pretty surface. If people can't handle that life isn't just pretty and pink and all things fine, then I guess I'm not a person for them either.

My way or the highway.. =D

XX

(nimet muutettu viattomien suojelemiseksi.. just in case)
slam

Re: Just another day in paradise...

Viesti Kirjoittaja slam »

voisix suomentaa... :roll:
vieras

Re: Just another day in paradise...

Viesti Kirjoittaja vieras »

slam kirjoitti:voisix suomentaa... :roll:
Eh, se on alkujaankin kirjoitettu englanniksi ja lähetetty juuri kyseisessä muodossa suomea osaamattomalle ihmiselle. Se että postasin sen tännekin, on toinen asia..

Jos kielitaitos ei riitä niin en siltikään viitsi nähdä moista vaivaa takiasi.

Mutta mitä ilmeisimmin postaus ei herätä vastauksia - sinänsä mielenkiintoista koska parin meseystäväni kanssa siitä tuli pitkätkin maailmankatsomukselliset keskustelut viime yönä...
slam

Re: Just another day in paradise...

Viesti Kirjoittaja slam »

keu,keu
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LillyMunster
Kitisijä
Viestit: 2007
Liittynyt: 15.08.2005 12:55

Re: Just another day in paradise...

Viesti Kirjoittaja LillyMunster »

vieras kirjoitti:
Mutta mitä ilmeisimmin postaus ei herätä vastauksia - sinänsä mielenkiintoista koska parin meseystäväni kanssa siitä tuli pitkätkin maailmankatsomukselliset keskustelut viime yönä...
Herätti se kovasti ajatuksia, mutta en osaa oikein mitään tähän kirjoittaa. Kovin tutulta kuulosti. Ei nyt vallan noin, eikä sinne päinkään, mutta...

Millaista keskustelua avauksesta kaipaisit?

Minun perheeni on täysin sairas, mutta rakastan perhettäni, ja omalla tavallaan se perhe on oikeastaan normaaliakin normaalimpi.
Monesti sitä ajattelee leikkivänsä hengellään. Pitäisi aina pitää mielessä, että siinä touhussa saattaakin leikkiäkin terveydellään, ja se on jo ihan toinen juttu...
slam

Re: Just another day in paradise...

Viesti Kirjoittaja slam »

Tyhjyys tunkeutui mielen sopukoihin.
Hiljaisuus vallitsi huoneessa.
Ajatukset eivät juosseet villisti kuten tavallisesti.
Surumielisyys hallitsi sanojen purkamista.
Kyyneleet pakkautuivat silmiin.
Hän ei itkenyt lohduttomasti.
Hän oli vain ihmeissään ja pettynyt, haikeamielinen.
Rakkaudettomuudesta ei ilmoitettu mukavilta tuntuvin sanoin.
Hyväksytty jumalallinen pyhäviha ja rakkaudettomuudessa tehdyt teot.
Esittelivät omat karmaisevat katekoriansa.
”Minä olen ensimmäinen joka lähtee, jos jonkun kuolla tarvitsee”.
Uskovaiseksi kasvatetun tiukka, mutta selkeä opetus ilmoitti.
Olihan tietynlaisten tapojen omaksujalla myös parempi olla.
Elämä saatteli matkaan kokonaisuuden.
Kuoleman läheisyys kantoi mukanaan ainutkertaisuuden
Rakastakaa vielä, kun voitte.

ps. Olix mä tekotaiteellinen, kun kukaan ei taputa käsiä... :) nukkumaan.
mustanikki

Vieras- continued: Just another day in paradise...

Viesti Kirjoittaja mustanikki »

bit of sadness, bit of grief..

My father was in hospital last night, he had seazures.. for over half an hour .. he had bitten to his tongue, and was bleeding profusely .. and totally confused when the paramedics came..
His natrium-levels are low.. but the only other reason why he had the attack, was that his blood alcohol level dropped to zero.. withdrawal symptoms the bad way..

My mother was scared shitless.. I mean really really scared, that he'd die.. He had been breathing very badly, snoring doesn't describe the difficulty of breathing he evidently had had..
He didn't want to go with the ambulance, but in the end he did.
And he got of from the first aid in the morning .. he took a car when he got home, and drove and bought another case of beer, and got drunk.
He can't walk properly, he has sort of interrupted walk... and he barely eats unless mother brings the warm food right in front of him.. he doesn't go to take it from the fridge.. he just carries 5 bottles of beer with him all the time, and goes to pick another 5 less half an hour later.. if it takes even that long..

He is going down, and fast.. I mean around Xmas he was sober for 6 weeks, and he lost 10 kg, and was walking ok.. but now he is worse than ever.. I doubt he lasts till my sisters wedding.. which is in early July.. or he might, but I actually agree with sister.. why should she let him spoil her wedding, when he can't behave..

I already told mother than after he is dead, and she has greaved enough, I will look for a man for her online.. do the weeding for her.. I mean, if she stops drinking altogether she isn't that bad looking, I have seen worse .. but it has to be someone to whom she doesn't nag..
I told the same to my father.. when he asked mother what we were talking, and she gave the phone to him..
Evidently he thinks.. and has also said.. that it is mothers duty to look after him.. but you can't stop a an alcoholic from drinking, when he wants to drink.. he evidently has been drinking and driving too.. to the shop to get more, when she has refused to bring him more..

I'm so fed up with that.. I mean .. I used to be mad, I used to be hurt, I used to be sad.. I even used to feel pity for him.. despite the violence and all that.. these days I know I love the man who is sober.. the drunk.. I just don't care anymore.. and it is his choice to be that..
I will greave when he is gone, but it also will be a relief..
iIf he can't sober up, I hope he dies soon..

I said to mother that she should sleep elsewhere, like in the room where I usually am, when I'm there.. she needs her sleep, and if he dies because of his drinking, then that is not her fault.
She has to work.. not so much because of the money (even if that is necessary because father drinks so much that his own pension can barely cover both the drink and probably not his share of the bills, so more or less mother has to pay them herself)... but because if she was home all the time, she'd be the same soon enough.. and she knows it. And she doesn't want to kill herself that way.. not like father intends to.

I don't know.. which one I greave more.. my old dog when it dies.. it is in the final leg of its journey.. the kidneys are giving in.. or my father.. the dog I think.. i mean it has never done anything wrong, just loved the people it is with..

I wish I was more like dog.. and that is what I try to be these days.. live each day as it is the only one I know.. and it actually is.. =/

Who am I kidding, when I wrote this.. I started to cry because of him.. but that doesn't help the situation at all... not in anything.. so..
"Inside my heart is breaking, my make up may be flaking... but my smile still stays on.."
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Clay
Kitisijä
Viestit: 2582
Liittynyt: 14.08.2005 23:46

Re: Just another day in paradise...

Viesti Kirjoittaja Clay »

"Inside my heart is breaking, my make up may be flaking... but my smile still stays on.."
Queen? Laitoin tänään Bohemian rhapsodyn imuun..
Nyt penikseni on fantastinen!
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Lolita
Kitisijä
Viestit: 8599
Liittynyt: 14.08.2005 18:46
Paikkakunta: Vantaa

Re: Just another day in paradise...

Viesti Kirjoittaja Lolita »

Kultaseni, halaukset ja tsemppaukset ja voimia sinulle kaiken tuon keskellä, mutta miksi kaksi pistettä joka väliin? Lopeta!
“Outside of a dog a book is a man’s best friend, inside of a dog it’s too dark to read” - Groucho Marx
mustanikki

Re: Just another day in paradise...

Viesti Kirjoittaja mustanikki »

Lolita kirjoitti:Kultaseni, halaukset ja tsemppaukset ja voimia sinulle kaiken tuon keskellä, mutta miksi kaksi pistettä joka väliin? Lopeta!
Ja jätit lukematta sen mitä slamille aiemmin sanoin?
Syy on yksinkertainen.
Koska se on kirjoitettu puolessa tunnissa eräälle ystävälleni, jonka kanssa meseilen juuri kyseiseen keskustelutyyliin niin se on lähetetty juuri tuossa muodossa sille noin 5 minuuttia aiemmin ennen tätä palstaa. Tämä palsta ei siis ole sen originaali kohde, enkä tätä varten edelleenkään lähde työstämään muotoa sen enempää.
Kyseessä on ajatusviivaan ja enterin painallukseen verrattavat pisteytys - jätä lukematta, jos häiritsee.
Avatar
Lolita
Kitisijä
Viestit: 8599
Liittynyt: 14.08.2005 18:46
Paikkakunta: Vantaa

Re: Just another day in paradise...

Viesti Kirjoittaja Lolita »

Tiedän, ettei tuollaisen pitäisi häiritä ja että se on täysin toissijainen juttu, mutta vanhemmiten tulen aina vaan, öh, neuroottisemmaksi ja turhat asiat alkavat häiritä suunnattomasti. Joskus korjailen lainauksistakin suurimmat virheet. Tiedostan outouteni ja mietin muutaman kerran ennen kuin teen, mutta en voi olla tekemättä.
“Outside of a dog a book is a man’s best friend, inside of a dog it’s too dark to read” - Groucho Marx
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